Freedom at Last

Can someone please explain to me why my epiphanies seem to always come in the shower? After 6am weights this morning, I walked to my community bathroom and stepped into the shower stall of wisdom. Due to some recent events in my life, my heart has been a little heavy. I’ve felt guilty for indulging in this sadness, for I’m surrounded by beauty and blessings. If I remain downcast while in the standing in the midst of privilege I act selfishly, demeaning the gifts I have received. But then if I totally embrace the good things in my life and move forward without a burden on my heart, I devalue my past. If I keep walking un-phased, then whatever I walk away from had no real significance in my life. To never hurt is to never love. So what now? I can’t be happy without belittling my past, and I can’t value my past without disregarding my present. 

Floating along in this quandary, my mind drifted to the magnificently white landscape that had appeared overnight. I reveled in the image of snow clinging to every inch of an otherwise bare tree stretching longingly towards heaven, Kafadar nestled under a perfectly spread blanket of sparkling white, and two spirited little squirrels chasing each other beneath softly falling flakes. It was beautiful; simply beautiful. Despite the ache that continued to pull gently on my heart, I realized I was sincerely enjoying the splendor around me. As I rinsed the last of my conditioner out of my hair, the culmination hit me hard as the meaning of 1 Thessalonians 5:16 became clear. Something within me whispered, “No matter how heavy hearted you may be, there is still much to rejoice in.” Heartache and pleasure are not mutually exclusive, and in fact they depend upon each other. How could we ever know healing if we never know pain? What is having without losing? Giving without receiving? The list goes on, but I’m sure you understand. Yielding to one emotion enhances, not detracts from, the other. 

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How many times have I have heard the question “what’s the secret to success?” People desperately searching for the shortcut to a successful education or career makes you wonder if perhaps you should be searching as well. While I don’t have the answers to life’s biggest questions, I believe I have discovered something that has the potential to significantly impact your life. I don’t think it’s the key to success, but it certainly allows one to enjoy every moment to it’s absolutely beautiful potential. 

So often I find myself looking to the next hour, the next day. Urgently planning, worrying, stressing over what’s to come next I forget to see what stands right in front of me. Last night I sat with my closest friends on campus while we chipped away at our homework piles. I found myself staring at a blank computer screen, my mind running rampant… I have so many chapters to make up in Chemistry, I don’t think I’ll survive 6am workouts, I think my sister may need me, so many people out there just need someone, why am I not there? Is anything I’m doing worthwhile? How can I sit here and stress about homework while someone out there can’t even feed their family? How long will I sit here and do nothing? I NEED to get out in the world, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING I CAN’T JUST SIT HERE ANY LONGER!!! Eeeeaaaaassssyyyy girl. I stood up and left the room without a word. I just needed to think.

After the storm in my head had settled, my heart still throbbed. I wanted so desperately to be done with the drudgery of schoolwork, to have my degree in hand and to finally start achieving my dream of making a difference in the world. I sat down with Scott and let the tornado of words and anxieties loose. With a reassuring smile, he told me, “I absolutely believe you are here for a reason.” While in the moment his words merely covered the wound, time allowed them to sink in and settle in my heart. 

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Last May, I finished my four-year haul of high school. In a few short months, I would kiss overbearing teachers, curfews, 37 minute lunches and asking permission to use the bathroom goodbye! I was so excited, I was nervous, I was anxious, I was terrified, I couldn’t wait… If you’re a senior in high school and a prospective Mines student, I’m sure you can relate. Four years of slaving over your GPA and perfecting those test scores start to grind on your soul. While you are more certain that you’re ready to move on from high school than anything in your life, while you just KNOW you’re ready for a new chapter, you question if you’re ready for college. Not just any college, Mines.

Or maybe I’m the only one who felt like that. But for all intents and purposes, I’ll pretend like you have.

I don’t know what other people have heard about Mines, but I heard it all. Students committing suicide after every test, the best and the brightest broken down to sniveling fractions of their former glory, teachers that blew fire when a question was answered incorrectly… Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the point. This school is impossible, no one survives, a Fire Swamp if you will (shout out to my Princess Bride lovers!).

Here’s the deal. Every fear, every premonition, every hesitancy, every doubt that you have about not just college but Colorado School of Mines, they’re all completely true. No I’m TOTALLY kidding. Scrap them all!! Just forget about it. Don’t let your teacher, your brother, your friend, your dog or yourself tell you that you can’t do it. You can! And believe it or not, this place doesn’t actually resemble purgatory.

I’ve been here for exactly one month. Let me tell you, this has been the most incredible month of my entire life.

You’re on your own, you get to make your own decisions, set your own rules, decide what you value and what you’re going to put effort into.  In one month I have been challenged, transformed and matured like I have NEVER before experienced. I am so excited for everyone who gets to experience that. These times really are life changing, and I’ve only just begun.

At Mines, you are surrounded by people who are not only good at math and science, they are passionate about it. My first time hanging out with my now best friend Paige and my other buddy James, I mentioned how much I loved Calculus I. Bracing myself for the emotional abuse that was sure to be coming my way, I hesitantly glanced over to see James smiling like a fool. “I loved it too!” We then proceeded to geek about its awesomeness for several minutes. I’m among my people, and boy does it feel good.

My first month here has had an over-riding theme that is two-fold. The first part is how incredible it is to live among nerds. To every Pokémon fan, Star Wars die-hard, Lord of the Rings zealot, to every math-loving-science-caring-puzzle-solving “freak,” to the techies who can disassemble a computer with their hands tied, to the maniacs who sort the world into neat equations, numbers and statistics, there is a place where you can not only belong, but flourish. That place is called Mines.

The second part has to do with getting involved. In my first week, I connected with Paige like she was my sister. We then got plugged into a Christian organization called CRU, a local church, study groups, Frisbee teams, and softball. With each new commitment came a new structure of support and love. Our two-man team has evolved to include two dozen friends who at any one time can provide the support we need to get through the day. If that means a chat at four in the morning or a hike up South Table, it happens. Is it hard? Yes. Am I terrified for my first round of tests this week? Absolutely! But have the people I’ve met made it not only plausible but even enjoyable? Without a doubt.

In short. My first month has been a success. While my sleep pattern is not in existence and I eat my feelings daily with my unlimited meal plan, I’m happy. I wouldn’t want to be on any other campus in the entire world. That’s a fact!